jazzed up.

These songs remind me of someone that I don't really miss so much anymore, which is odd because I couldn't listen to either of them for about two years without feeling the need to cry and burrow into the ground. On another blog, I published 5 songs that represent my life to date but I completely forgot about this time in my life. Maybe, because it coincided with some of my worst moments, I'd dissociated myself from them.

I often wonder, is it possible to love someone, really be in love with that special someone, if you never technically dated? A friend of mine told me last week that when she looks back at her past relationships, she realises that she only truly loved those who continue to mark her years after. I think that simplifies things too much. In retrospect, everything looks different. Magda says that you can only truly love someone that loved you back.

I was walking around the art gallery last week and randomly ran into a friend from my past. After talking for a while, he mentioned something that has made me jump for joy. The boy that had driven me mad for about a year, that drove me into the arms of my biggest mistake, that kissed me only once, that gave me the CD that contained these two songs had felt the same way about me. I never thought that someone like him could be infatuated with someone like little me. He always seemed bigger than me.

Hindsight changes everything. It obscures the feelings you may have felt and dilutes the thoughts that raced through your mind. I thought that I had met my first love at 19. I now realise that I was kidding myself. I wanted to tell my last partner about everything in my past, but not this one stolen moment (there I go with the jazz references, again). It's difficult to get over your first love. My God, I wonder how things would have panned out if only we had been honest about the way we'd felt.

I should get a diary, but I prefer to type. If ever I get upset, I will remind myself of the love that blossomed for a little while, but never really bloomed.