20.7.09

to beautiful Joni...

I remembered a phrase recently that I'd heard in a Joni Mitchell doco. It really bothered me; I couldn't remember the song I'd heard it in. But it wasn't a lyric.

In the 70s Joni was romantically linked to Grah
am Nash who wanted to marry her but she felt as though she'd come from a lineage of women who's passion for art and music had been buried by the men they'd ended up with. So she left him, and said these last words in a telegram, "If you hold sand too tightly in your hands, it will run through your fingers."

I haven't felt like myself recently; not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I just feel as though I'm on the cusp of something (what wank). I find that phrase so beautiful and it seems to move something within me because it's so true not just with romance and love but with everything. I used to be unbound by people or events or my aspirations. I used to be reckless and thought little of the consequences of my actions.

But
then I got burned.

Now I think that I try to hold onto things too tightly because I don't want to be hurt again. I was recently described as being "straight-edged" and it really insulted me. I enjoy reading
my text books and staying in on the weekends so that I can learn something new about the world. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but is this restricting me to a life where amazing experiences can pass me by?

I feel quite closetted at the moment. Why should one description make me feel so character-less?

I miss art; I miss music, I miss painting. I find a kindred spirit in Joni. She seems both lost and centred and in my opinion, she is the ultimate artist. Strange, how my passions have changed over the years because I kn
ow that despite doing Science and Medicine and Honours and all those scholarly things, I'm always going to be an artist.

From tomorrow, I start painting again.


2.1.09

blueberries, old friends and handy activities.

I like the idea of starting anew, of feeling like I'm on a clean slate. I know that New Year's is just an ordinary day and that really, every day should be one in which you fulfil your potential (or at least make the decision to evolve) and all that wank, but there's something rather special about this one night, this one hour, this one countdown.

I went out this New Year's, for probably the first time and I finally see what's so special about this one night. Everywhere I looked people were so happy and willing to talk to you without having any ulterior motive (well that may not be true :p) and there was this strange energy around; one which isn't present on just any old Saturday night.

Perhaps it's just another excuse to party and you know that everyone else you meet is going to be there for the same reason? Perhaps it's the idea that you can make this next year count? Perhaps it's knowing that there's that precious long weekend ahead of you. I don't know. I was just so ecstatic to finally be able to start anew.

I've met so many new people in the past year, but there's no one quite like your aulde friends. There's no one I'd rather hang out with and new Year's Eve must have been my favourite night since.... a looooooooooong time. It's a pity we did not bring a camera with us, but I always feel so stifff when I bring one along. It's almost as though taking a photo drains some life out of everyone to the point where you start posing and taking 'myspace' photos (oh gosh, if this day happens, please shoot me).

We went out to Tiger Lils (and Amps) which was really cruisy and I loved the decor. I can imagine my Dad absolutely lovin' it; well duh, there were some Indian statues in the corners aka from my Dad's homeland (pfff he wishes) and I could really see him coming into the club with his video camera and commentating about Shiva and Parvati, Kali and Brahma and all that wonderful stuff! Secretly, a part of me wishes Tatulek had come out clubbing with us.

I feel like I should recount some of the things we did, like driving down Swan Valley the next day (AND THERE WAS NOTHING OPEN! what wankers) and having dinner at the Scotsman, but I guess there's really nothing to note. Old friends are the best and I'm so grateful for all I have :)

I remember walking around my block last New Year's Eve with a piece of paper on which I'd written all the things I wanted to forget about. I kept ripping little bits of the paper and letting them fly in the wind, hoping that this one symbolic act would help wipe away the guilt and pain I'd felt in 2007. It didn't work out. 2007 was the year of mistakes, 2008 was the year of recuperation; fuck I hope 2009 will be epic.

It's not as easy as ripping a scrap of paper and hoping that, miraculously, your sorrows might be blown away just as that wind blew away those tiny bits of paper. My favourite quote is 'to trascend pain, you must first experience it,' and I think that that's how it happens. It's strange how sad I feel sometimes. You look at your family history and all the shit that they went through and in comparison to their stories, your own experiences have don't even weight up and yet, this generation feels so much hopeless than the last (i'm generalising). I recently read an article that put this paradox to our subdued reward circutry. According to this researcher, the mechanisation of daily activities such as washing clothing and packaged foods (i.e. the 'things that make life simple') deny our brains with the feeling of 'reward' or 'achievement'. Because of the strong connection between the motor cortex and the limbic system, the researcher suggested that we should start to do more things with our hands (LIKE BLUE BERRY PICKING!!!) to alleviate depressive tendencies. So there goes my first New Year's resolution: to be more crafty and creative especially with my hands because they take up a huge chunk of the motor circuit.

So (after side tracking a little bit), I must admit that I am finally happy with where I'm heading with my life and who I'm becoming; so 2009 should be pretty damn fine. I'm sorry whoever is reading this; I promise my next entry will be less cheesy. I'm in a cheesy mood; it must have been the 6am wake up call; you know, cos Tatulek was keen on going blue berry picking. Apparently next time we are waking up at 5am. But having said that, FUCK YES THERE ARE BLUEBERRIES IN THE HOUSE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!! CAN THIS YEAR GET ANY BETTER? (Magda, I am forcing you to go through the hell I went through; it's just crazy how excited Tatulek gets when it comes to blue berry picking.)

(Speaking of blue berries, I think that the only people who actually participate in this activity are Poles who are absolutely appalled by the high prices.... but I do have to ask the question: are we more stingy when it comes to our food? Oh, who really cares THERE ARE BLUEBERRIES IN DA HOUSE AGAIN! YESSSSSSSS)

That should be it for now. I feel a lil embarrassed for sounding so emotional in this blog; I just felt like these last few days deserve some sort of acknowledgement.

i can't wait for next New Year's :)

#2 New Year's Resolution: have more fun

peace

xo

 
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