I remembered a phrase recently that I'd heard in a Joni Mitchell doco. It really bothered me; I couldn't remember the song I'd heard it in. But it wasn't a lyric.
In the 70s Joni was romantically linked to Graham Nash who wanted to marry her but she felt as though she'd come from a lineage of women who's passion for art and music had been buried by the men they'd ended up with. So she left him, and said these last words in a telegram, "If you hold sand too tightly in your hands, it will run through your fingers."
I haven't felt like myself recently; not that that's necessarily a bad thing. I just feel as though I'm on the cusp of something (what wank). I find that phrase so beautiful and it seems to move something within me because it's so true not just with romance and love but with everything. I used to be unbound by people or events or my aspirations. I used to be reckless and thought little of the consequences of my actions.
But then I got burned.
Now I think that I try to hold onto things too tightly because I don't want to be hurt again. I was recently described as being "straight-edged" and it really insulted me. I enjoy reading my text books and staying in on the weekends so that I can learn something new about the world. I don't think there's anything wrong with that but is this restricting me to a life where amazing experiences can pass me by?
I feel quite closetted at the moment. Why should one description make me feel so character-less?
I miss art; I miss music, I miss painting. I find a kindred spirit in Joni. She seems both lost and centred and in my opinion, she is the ultimate artist. Strange, how my passions have changed over the years because I know that despite doing Science and Medicine and Honours and all those scholarly things, I'm always going to be an artist.
From tomorrow, I start painting again.
